Apple’s announcement of revised expectations for the most recently ended quarter was met in typical fashion with a flurry of slapdash analysis.

Writing for the Forbes contributor network and competitive back waxing circuit, Gordon Kelly provides almost one-stop shopping for ridiculous assertions about Apple’s downward revision.

“iPhone Sales Fears After Apple Slashes Estimates.” (Tip o’ the antlers to Uluroo.)

The leaks were right.

And it only took 10 years of breathless reporting on supply chain Apple doom rumors for them to finally be right! So, it was all worth it.

Last year these sources said Apple had cut iPhone X production by as much as 60 percent which was fantastically wrong, but who cares? They were right this year! All is for-… uh, well, not forgiven. More like forgotten.

Cook pins the blame on everything from macroeconomic challenges “in some markets”…

As if that’s a real thing! But clever people who write for the Forbes contributor network and store all of their excess bodily fluids in their basements so the government doesn’t get a hold of them recognize this type of base flimflammery when they see it.

Simply put, Apple under Cook has essentially delivered just two new iPhone designs in eight years: the iPhone 6 (which looked identical across four generations) and the iPhone X (which will look identical until 2020).

According to Kelly, the iPhone 5, 5C, the larger Plus and Max sizes and the iPhone XR all don’t count. Just ’cause, that’s why.

Meanwhile, rivals continue to innovate.

One of them innovated an exploding phone!

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